I will always be a part of the air you breathe.

Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you’re here.

This is the lowest I have been in awhile. I was seriously thinking about taking my own life.

I hate being alone, but then again it's helpful...

When I am alone, I think and think and think. I come to terms with my emotions and my head goes insane. my mind is crazy, thoughts race in every direction. I always think of the worst. I worry permanently, I have so much anxiety. It forces me to figure out myself because I’m alone so much. I realize who I care about, who I trust, who I miss, and why i miss them. So I guess it’s useful but it’s also painful, I just want to be home. And more importantly I want to spend all my summer with the people I realized are the ones who are good for me.

He was my first bite -
a sticky mess of bliss with
the slight aftertaste of things to come.

He opened and shut things
with such force, it made me flinch.

A cupboard, a door, the way in which he loved me.

Home

I’m at home.
But I’m going away again.
I never feel at ease when I’m away from home.
That empty bed is unbearable.
I wake up and look over at the place where home could be moving in the sheets.
I was away for too long last time.
Home is a sandy blond with hip bones that pierce.
I dream about it often.
I’m scared it won’t always be there for me.
Then I’ll be left wandering endlessly.

Imaginary.

I'm saving myself for someone who doesn't exist. I'm torturing myself for something that will never be in my grasp. I'm getting my myself dressed up for eyes that will never appreciate it.

Actually I don't think I convinced myself I don't like him, I'm just not ready.... I'm still very much in love with someone I'll never be with ever again. I still dream about laying in bed like we used to, as he would lean in softly for a kiss, or the first night we were back in each others arms after years of waiting. I always say I will always love you to a guy when he breaks my heart but this is the first time it stuck for over a year, and I can only wonder how long is this going to be?

Backwards

I think I'm talking myself out of liking someone.... What the fuck is wrong with me?

White winter hymnal.

I don't want summer to come, it reminds me too much of the adventures we used to have. I want to stay in a season where you don't exist.

So, anyways.

I've felt very strange lately. Detached. I’m floating hundreds of miles above the ground with only a string tied to my ankle, tied to a rock, tied to the ground, to anchor me down. I’m just up there bobbing around - possibly sighing or humming to pass the time. I am tangled up in the magic of things.

I feel boring and like I bore everyone around me. I want to sit criss-cross-applesauce next to someone strumming softly, I want to pound away on my typewriter while they sing me Fleet Foxes covers, both of us smiling at each other’s smile. I want to be silly and wild and take long drives and dance in public places and read dirty poetry while they hold the wheel. I want to laugh. Above all things, I love to laugh.

I want, I want, I want.

I always know I am most comfortable with someone when we can be silent together, going about our own lives, but still so completely intertwined.

I’m thinking about us lost in the mountains. Damp wood, magnolia, ribs, palms, braiding hair, broken guitar strings, something, something, come here, please, come closer.

L'amour de ma vie

I am not many things. I am not a good conversationalist, I am not particularly loud, I am not good at drawing, I am not capable of long term memory (or so it seems), and I am not going down in history as the world’s best driver.

But I can say, with complete and total confidence, that I am at least one thing. Always have been, always will be.

Passionate.

I throw myself entirely into everything I do and everyone I encounter. I have no patience for this meek attitude towards life that so many people have adopted. They sit back and let extraordinary things pass them by each and every day. They pull the brakes on many relationships for manufactured reasons. Aren’t they aware that every single person in this world is simply stunning and ready to teach you something about yourself? They let their talents go to waste by being too lazy and too prideful. They hide behind so many things.

I am just as guilty, but…

God, I fall in love with everything and everyone. I want to be everyone’s best friend. I want to hold everyone’s hand. I want to drive to every province with the windows down. I want to read every book in the world. I want to dip my toes in every body of water. I want to feel a thousand emotions at once. I want life in the palm of my hand.

I am the most guilty, selfish person in the world for wanting all of these things.

Substitute people

I feel, undoubtedly, like a substitute person. I am interesting and close enough to the “real thing” to so many people, but not quite enough. I am not quite good enough or funny enough or smart enough or good-looking enough. I’m on the edge and they find themselves enjoying me for the time being, but it’s never for “all time”. It’s just for a while and it’s just when they need me.

I have yet to see wonder in another person’s eyes as I tell him about my theories, my beliefs, my hopes, and my dreams. It means I’ll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person I love that says, “I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you.”

Most nights, I am fine with the time I have in solitude. I would say that 90% of the time, I am perfectly content being alone. But that 10% of sudden longing is so excruciating and so heartbreaking, that the 90% doesn’t even seem to matter any more.

I am tipsy and I am not satisfied. Tonight is a 10% kind of night.

Hm.

Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions. Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions. Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions. Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions.

Introverted.

I wish I wasn't such an introvert. I struggle constantly with just saying what is on my mind, to the point where it makes me feel sick. I just want to word vomit all over a situation that is bothering me but my brain holds me at gun point. My brain tells me not to say anything. It threatens me that everything will just become worse. How did I get into another situation like this? How did I get in this situation with the same person again I should be asking. It's just a simple question, Tiffany. I guess he's just a boy. What can I say? That there's PLENTY OF FISH in the sea? *sigh*

Us.

I'll remember you for the rest of my life. I guess that's all I can take from what was "us".

Figment.

I hate letting people into my life anymore. I feel like it's always a huge set up for disappointment in the end. I feel like I never even knew you. It's like all those years you were a figment of my imagination. I try to grasp on memories but they fall right through my fingers. Who were you? This isn't an angry blog, believe me. I'm just wondering how you can spend so much time with someone and completely forget how they were only after a short time. Let's just say I'm more of a cautious person of who I open up to anymore.

Change.

So it's official, I'm moving to Toronto. Not for few months but this time I mean it, I'm going there with or without a roommate. I'm going completely insane in this small town of mine, no one understands me, everyone is closed minded. Every time I walk into my place of work there is a huge dark cloud above my head the whole time, I seriously hate my life when I'm there. But at the same time it's like what can I do? It's not easy switching jobs in this stupid small ass town of mine. I have more than enough money to pay first and last months rent. I know people I could stay with if I needed it to find a job. It's just set in stone. I'm moving.

Quebec.

So, I was putting this off for too long. I'm back from Quebec city, have been for about 2 weeks now. It was amazing, I love the feel of that city. It's like a city with a feel of a town almost. When I first got there I was almost in a panic, I was thinking I was not going to understand anyone or be able to read anything. But then Spencer and I found out the more down town areas are more diverse. The first restaurant we went to didn't have anything in English and our waitress didn't even speak English, but we got it all figured out. The second day, we basically just went downtown and went to all the stores, we went to these awesome medieval times stores. I wanted a steampunk gun sooo bad, too expensive though. That day I'm pretty sure we went saw Rush, we weren't that close but their set was really cool, who knew they were all amazing actors. The third day we saw Black Eyed Peas, who by the way puts on amazing live show, the energy was just so refreshing, Will.i.am is the man. He did this sweet techno breakdown, it was like a rave, and if anyone knows me is that I like to dance, so I danced pretty much the whole show. Day 4 we saw Billy Talent, they were good also, but easily forgettable I must admit. Sound wise, awesome. Show wise, meh. But I'm not complaining that I saw them. The big and main day, day 5, was pretty much waking up early and waiting in line for 7+ hours. Spencer and I had this whole plan to wake up super early and wait in line all day so we get front row for Rammstein, but when we got there I guess people had the same idea...There were so many people already there...We were a little disappointed but it didn't stop us from trying inch our way to the front gates. Waiting in line wasn't so bad, we met some pretty chill dudes from Saskatoon and played some cards, and entertained each other for the whole time, I think Spencer and I sort of needed to talk to other people who could speak English as well. I was going a little crazy not being able to understand anyone around me. When it was finally time to go in, it was insane, everyone was just pushing and shoving to get to the front, I had literally had to crawl under people just to get up there faster, I didn't have anything on me so it was easy. I ran so fast I thought I would of passed out, I got Spencer and I a sweet fucking spot, up front but to the right a bit. I'm not going into detail about the show itself, you just had to be there to experience it, but I will tell you one thing..As Spencer and I waved our German flag high Till saw it and acknowledged our existence by pointing at us, Spencer and I screeched like little girls, haha. It was pretty amazing. I still can't over I witnessed that concert. But now a few things about Quebec City.

1. Everything is served with salad
2. Yes, French people DO smoke a lot.
3. People frown upon you if you are Canadian and you don't speak French and English.
4. It's awesome to be able to buy booze at a Mac's milk.
5. Everything is either uphill or downhill, very awesome leg work out.
6. Never watch the street performers, they are all talk and no action.
7. Crazy Beautiful