Listen (listen, listen)

I will always be a part of the air you breathe.

2011-06-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you’re here.

2011-06-19T20:58:00.001-04:00

This is the lowest I have been in awhile. I was seriously thinking about taking my own life.

I hate being alone, but then again it's helpful...

2011-06-11T18:21:00.000-04:00

When I am alone, I think and think and think. I come to terms with my emotions and my head goes insane. my mind is crazy, thoughts race in every direction. I always think of the worst. I worry permanently, I have so much anxiety. It forces me to figure out myself because I’m alone so much. I realize who I care about, who I trust, who I miss, and why i miss them. So I guess it’s useful but it’s also painful, I just want to be home. And more importantly I want to spend all my summer with the people I realized are the ones who are good for me.

2011-06-10T01:41:00.001-04:00

2011-06-07T21:17:00.000-04:00

He was my first bite -
a sticky mess of bliss with
the slight aftertaste of things to come.

He opened and shut things
with such force, it made me flinch.

A cupboard, a door, the way in which he loved me.

Home

2011-06-05T19:13:00.002-04:00

I’m at home.
But I’m going away again.
I never feel at ease when I’m away from home.
That empty bed is unbearable.
I wake up and look over at the place where home could be moving in the sheets.
I was away for too long last time.
Home is a sandy blond with hip bones that pierce.
I dream about it often.
I’m scared it won’t always be there for me.
Then I’ll be left wandering endlessly.

2011-04-05T00:50:00.001-04:00

Imaginary.

2011-04-01T18:07:00.004-04:00

I'm saving myself for someone who doesn't exist. I'm torturing myself for something that will never be in my grasp. I'm getting my myself dressed up for eyes that will never appreciate it.

2011-03-29T20:46:00.002-04:00

Actually I don't think I convinced myself I don't like him, I'm just not ready.... I'm still very much in love with someone I'll never be with ever again. I still dream about laying in bed like we used to, as he would lean in softly for a kiss, or the first night we were back in each others arms after years of waiting. I always say I will always love you to a guy when he breaks my heart but this is the first time it stuck for over a year, and I can only wonder how long is this going to be?

Backwards

2011-03-29T18:39:00.001-04:00

I think I'm talking myself out of liking someone.... What the fuck is wrong with me?

White winter hymnal.

2011-03-27T21:21:00.003-04:00

I don't want summer to come, it reminds me too much of the adventures we used to have. I want to stay in a season where you don't exist.

So, anyways.

2010-11-15T15:55:00.001-05:00

I've felt very strange lately. Detached. I’m floating hundreds of miles above the ground with only a string tied to my ankle, tied to a rock, tied to the ground, to anchor me down. I’m just up there bobbing around - possibly sighing or humming to pass the time. I am tangled up in the magic of things.

I feel boring and like I bore everyone around me. I want to sit criss-cross-applesauce next to someone strumming softly, I want to pound away on my typewriter while they sing me Fleet Foxes covers, both of us smiling at each other’s smile. I want to be silly and wild and take long drives and dance in public places and read dirty poetry while they hold the wheel. I want to laugh. Above all things, I love to laugh.

I want, I want, I want.

I always know I am most comfortable with someone when we can be silent together, going about our own lives, but still so completely intertwined.

I’m thinking about us lost in the mountains. Damp wood, magnolia, ribs, palms, braiding hair, broken guitar strings, something, something, come here, please, come closer.

L'amour de ma vie

2010-11-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

I am not many things. I am not a good conversationalist, I am not particularly loud, I am not good at drawing, I am not capable of long term memory (or so it seems), and I am not going down in history as the world’s best driver.

But I can say, with complete and total confidence, that I am at least one thing. Always have been, always will be.

Passionate.

I throw myself entirely into everything I do and everyone I encounter. I have no patience for this meek attitude towards life that so many people have adopted. They sit back and let extraordinary things pass them by each and every day. They pull the brakes on many relationships for manufactured reasons. Aren’t they aware that every single person in this world is simply stunning and ready to teach you something about yourself? They let their talents go to waste by being too lazy and too prideful. They hide behind so many things.

I am just as guilty, but…

God, I fall in love with everything and everyone. I want to be everyone’s best friend. I want to hold everyone’s hand. I want to drive to every province with the windows down. I want to read every book in the world. I want to dip my toes in every body of water. I want to feel a thousand emotions at once. I want life in the palm of my hand.

I am the most guilty, selfish person in the world for wanting all of these things.

Substitute people

2010-11-15T15:51:00.001-05:00

I feel, undoubtedly, like a substitute person. I am interesting and close enough to the “real thing” to so many people, but not quite enough. I am not quite good enough or funny enough or smart enough or good-looking enough. I’m on the edge and they find themselves enjoying me for the time being, but it’s never for “all time”. It’s just for a while and it’s just when they need me.

I have yet to see wonder in another person’s eyes as I tell him about my theories, my beliefs, my hopes, and my dreams. It means I’ll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person I love that says, “I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you.”

Most nights, I am fine with the time I have in solitude. I would say that 90% of the time, I am perfectly content being alone. But that 10% of sudden longing is so excruciating and so heartbreaking, that the 90% doesn’t even seem to matter any more.

I am tipsy and I am not satisfied. Tonight is a 10% kind of night.

Hm.

2010-09-22T23:04:00.000-04:00

Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions. Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions. Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions. Words. Feelings. Talking. Actions.

Introverted.

2010-09-18T13:55:00.006-04:00

I wish I wasn't such an introvert. I struggle constantly with just saying what is on my mind, to the point where it makes me feel sick. I just want to word vomit all over a situation that is bothering me but my brain holds me at gun point. My brain tells me not to say anything. It threatens me that everything will just become worse. How did I get into another situation like this? How did I get in this situation with the same person again I should be asking. It's just a simple question, Tiffany. I guess he's just a boy. What can I say? That there's PLENTY OF FISH in the sea? *sigh*

Us.

2010-09-11T14:35:00.001-04:00

I'll remember you for the rest of my life. I guess that's all I can take from what was "us".

Figment.

2010-09-08T20:22:00.004-04:00

I hate letting people into my life anymore. I feel like it's always a huge set up for disappointment in the end. I feel like I never even knew you. It's like all those years you were a figment of my imagination. I try to grasp on memories but they fall right through my fingers. Who were you? This isn't an angry blog, believe me. I'm just wondering how you can spend so much time with someone and completely forget how they were only after a short time. Let's just say I'm more of a cautious person of who I open up to anymore.

Change.

2010-08-10T19:04:00.002-04:00

So it's official, I'm moving to Toronto. Not for few months but this time I mean it, I'm going there with or without a roommate. I'm going completely insane in this small town of mine, no one understands me, everyone is closed minded. Every time I walk into my place of work there is a huge dark cloud above my head the whole time, I seriously hate my life when I'm there. But at the same time it's like what can I do? It's not easy switching jobs in this stupid small ass town of mine. I have more than enough money to pay first and last months rent. I know people I could stay with if I needed it to find a job. It's just set in stone. I'm moving.

Quebec.

2010-07-28T02:32:00.004-04:00

So, I was putting this off for too long. I'm back from Quebec city, have been for about 2 weeks now. It was amazing, I love the feel of that city. It's like a city with a feel of a town almost. When I first got there I was almost in a panic, I was thinking I was not going to understand anyone or be able to read anything. But then Spencer and I found out the more down town areas are more diverse. The first restaurant we went to didn't have anything in English and our waitress didn't even speak English, but we got it all figured out. The second day, we basically just went downtown and went to all the stores, we went to these awesome medieval times stores. I wanted a steampunk gun sooo bad, too expensive though. That day I'm pretty sure we went saw Rush, we weren't that close but their set was really cool, who knew they were all amazing actors. The third day we saw Black Eyed Peas, who by the way puts on amazing live show, the energy was just so refreshing, Will.i.am is the man. He did this sweet techno breakdown, it was like a rave, and if anyone knows me is that I like to dance, so I danced pretty much the whole show. Day 4 we saw Billy Talent, they were good also, but easily forgettable I must admit. Sound wise, awesome. Show wise, meh. But I'm not complaining that I saw them. The big and main day, day 5, was pretty much waking up early and waiting in line for 7+ hours. Spencer and I had this whole plan to wake up super early and wait in line all day so we get front row for Rammstein, but when we got there I guess people had the same idea...There were so many people already there...We were a little disappointed but it didn't stop us from trying inch our way to the front gates. Waiting in line wasn't so bad, we met some pretty chill dudes from Saskatoon and played some cards, and entertained each other for the whole time, I think Spencer and I sort of needed to talk to other people who could speak English as well. I was going a little crazy not being able to understand anyone around me. When it was finally time to go in, it was insane, everyone was just pushing and shoving to get to the front, I had literally had to crawl under people just to get up there faster, I didn't have anything on me so it was easy. I ran so fast I thought I would of passed out, I got Spencer and I a sweet fucking spot, up front but to the right a bit. I'm not going into detail about the show itself, you just had to be there to experience it, but I will tell you one thing..As Spencer and I waved our German flag high Till saw it and acknowledged our existence by pointing at us, Spencer and I screeched like little girls, haha. It was pretty amazing. I still can't over I witnessed that concert. But now a few things about Quebec City.

1. Everything is served with salad
2. Yes, French people DO smoke a lot.
3. People frown upon you if you are Canadian and you don't speak French and English.
4. It's awesome to be able to buy booze at a Mac's milk.
5. Everything is either uphill or downhill, very awesome leg work out.
6. Never watch the street performers, they are all talk and no action.
7. Crazy Beautiful

First class all the way.

2010-07-14T07:24:00.002-04:00

So i'm on my way to Quebec City!! I'm waiting for about 3 hours at the train station due to really early ride in...it was the only one I had. The lady who works for the train station felt bad I have to wait for so long so she let me sit in the first class room with plug ins, couches, tv and free coffee!!! If this place didn't have wireless I would of went insane.

Yup...

2010-07-11T02:49:00.003-04:00

What can I say? Who doesn't love her?

So good. New Mexico is beautiful.

2010-07-07T15:28:00.002-04:00

:D

2010-07-06T00:18:00.003-04:00

Only 8 more days until I go to Quebec City for the Summer festival! I'm so excited mostly because I've never been to Quebec before! :) I'll be gone from the 14th to the 19th, pretty short but it should be fun.

Film.

2010-06-28T18:08:00.003-04:00

So I recently bought a Diana F+ and I'm seriously in love with it. I was just reading the book I got with it and I read a paragraph that is so true.

"To hold, point, and shoot a Diana camera implies a conscious decision to relinquish control. To concentrate your creative powers on capturing the moment and telling a story - rather then fiddling with a bunch of knobs and levers. A blurry-soft and dreamy-toned Diana image is more an interpretation of reality then correct representation of it. In a way, it's somehow more accurate to compare the Diana to an oily vintage typewriter then to a megapixel machine of today. With each click of the shutter, a moment is captured in a unique and fairly unpredictable way - and a small narrative begins to reveal itself. As the viewer, You're invited to read into it and interpet it in your own way. On top of that, you can count yourself as an individual note in the Diana's illustrious history - which dates back to the better part of 40 years."

Now, I'm not a digital camera hater, I'll get one someday. But I'm really loving the whole idea about film. I like not being able to see my picture right away, I love the mystery. Then I'm not trying to get it all perfect, and all of a sudden the moment is gone.

2010-06-27T23:57:00.002-04:00

Favourite lyrics at the moment.

2010-06-20T01:00:00.003-04:00

The Longest Mile

You'll retire with some
well deserved space that you needed years ago
it’s not the same as if you pushed it away
unescorted through the longest mile
now that it’s over

I have some regrets
but I can just forget them

I must admit now going down within this ship
I couldn't have a better crew to travel with
If I make it in one piece back to land
I will never sail again
never

Peace and quiet
start to interrupt,
your life is not the same as you had hoped
Living up to all the things that you played down
If you don't get a hold of it, I wont be around
now that it’s over

I’ve made mistakes
it’s all I have to learn from

I must admit now going down within this ship
I couldn't have a better crew to travel with
If I make it in one piece back to land
I will never sail again,
never

Now that it’s over

I can’t help
but think that
we’re coming to the end
If that is
the case then
I know we can’t pretend
to never make a sound again
Never make a sound

2010-06-16T17:47:00.006-04:00

"The best thing about a picture is it never changes even if the people in it do."

2010-06-15T02:38:00.004-04:00

"I don't think we would of ever broke up"

Oh memories...How you rip me apart every time.

Sad.

2010-06-14T16:35:00.003-04:00

I don't even get why people like me, I'm such a broken person. All I do is whine about how lonely I am.

Pointless update.

2010-05-31T20:06:00.006-04:00

I haven't wrote in here in so long, probably because I have no time to anymore... Ok that was a lie, I have tons of time but lately I haven't felt like boring people with my life. I shop a lot, I have tons of clothes now. I hang out with Mike a lot, and we basically just nerd it up the whole time. There was a rare occasion I did go up to Peterborough to see my closest friends Ben and Kim though. I went to my first club and it was one of the best times I've ever had! I did pay for it bad the next day though, wow... The worst hangover ever... I won't go into detail. I need to make it a habit to start seeing them. I just work a lot. Too much work for summer, I say. I'm going to quit soon though and travel to the Yukon :) I'm going to do it I swear!! Mike and I are going to make a trip to medieval times before I leave and before Spencer quits there and moves back here, it's going to be so much fun! I hope we also stop at Canada's wonderland :)

Music Recommendation: Horse Feathers

2010-04-25T03:49:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to post that I have been feeling really happy lately!! :D

Love Sparks.

2010-04-22T04:41:00.005-04:00

How does one measure a day? Is it by seconds? Minutes? Hours? Or is measured by something more? Something more than mere digits. Something timeless. For me it's measured by brief moments. Where time blurs out of focus and all recollection of it fades. It's a smile. It's heartbeats. It's love sparks. A day in my life holds no adventures and no adventure can truly describe one self. It's in the small things that truly show who I am. From Laugher to kisses. My day is filled with memories of days passed. When I was a kid I would day dream, I do it to this day. Between every breath last a life time in a dream.

2010-04-17T15:18:00.015-04:00

I did a little shopping....haha

Music Recommendation: Mumford & Sons

Yeah.

2010-04-14T18:17:00.006-04:00

Ok so only $100 away from my goal of $1000 now! The Yukon is getting so close! :D
That's the most news I got really. I just have a huge addiction to Ebay now. I've bought so many wonderful things at low low prices haha, I can't stop. I just keep browsing and finding cute things. Paypal is bad news for my shopping addiction, LOL. I only got my dress so far from modcloth, I'll have to post a picture of it later.

(Update: Picture of the dress above.)

Music Recommendation: Noah and The whale.

2010-04-08T17:54:00.002-04:00

My new obsession.

:D

2010-03-30T18:47:00.007-04:00

Things are looking up for me. I am only $300 from my goal of saving up $1000 and then I'm off to Yukon! I bought a couples subscription at http://Woof.ca. I will be traveling with a friend. This is going to be one of the greatest experiences of my life! I sort of have it planned that I'm going to start in the Yukon and make my way back to Ontario from host to host :) I will be leaving in May hopefully! I'll probably be gone until October. I'm so excited!

Music recommendation: Fleet foxes

You NEED to watch it.

2010-03-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

Try not to cry, I dare you.

2010-03-25T18:19:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP1T9E-FpWg

2010-03-10T17:18:00.003-05:00

It absolutely angers me how people are such hypocrites. People will watch a video of a cat or a dog being tortured or beaten and be outraged. Just for second imagine that was a cow, a chicken or a pig. Would you still care? Probably not. It saddens me how numb people are to slaughter houses. You are eating murder and abuse daily. So SHUT THE FUCK up and move on because you clearly don't give a shit for the living. People tell me all the excuses in the book why they can't be a vegetarian. I'm sick of hearing them, there are NO excuses. I had no money to buy my own groceries and I still made it work. 4 years next month I will be still be meat free and I'm proud.

Thanks, hope this will make you less of a hypocrite.

2010-03-08T23:58:00.001-05:00

I don't miss you anymore.

Your silhouettes will dance around my open wounds

2010-02-20T13:10:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to one of Straight reads the line's last concerts. It was quite sad...They are so amazing live. They are one the only few metal bands I still listen to. I'm recovering from a huge bangover today, I haven't had one in a LONG time. I head banged my ass off. People at shows are so funny and immature. There was A LOT of mosh pit drama, I couldn't help but laugh at everyone. Especially at these 3 girls were making all these motions and faces kind of saying "Like omg why are these people moshing bumping into me?". Maybe if you weren't standing in the mosh pit area that wouldn't happen. Some girl was right crazy, She runs into the mosh pit and rips this guys shirt right off him. All I could hear in my head was a quote from kung pow "*gasp* Shirt ripper!!". Then I see her on the floor crying or something and concerned people come to help her and she just gets up and starts trying to kick the shit out of everyone and then stomps outside. My god it was entertaining.

But anyways...It's sad to them gone. I wanted to buy a hoodie but I had no cash on me which sucked. I tried to look for stuff online but I was not successful. Not sure how to end this blog so bye!

2010-02-17T03:09:00.002-05:00

My sleep habits are not good again. My brain never wants to shut off anyways. Even when I DO get to sleep, I dream like crazy and twitch. It wakes me up constantly during the night. I recently started getting night terrors again.

I had a dream I was a slave and if I didn't do things properly I would be cut in half and I looked around and there were dozens of people cut in half. I even saw someone still working while cut in half. I woke up and forgot where I was, I looked at the clock. 4 am. I didn't go back to sleep I started getting ready for work and sat with my mom while she was getting ready for work as well. I told her about my night terrors and we started talking about how I've dealt with them for a long time.

You see. At a very young age I discovered death and thought about it a lot. I remember having only night terrors. My bedroom was becoming something I feared. So, I started sleeping in parents bed every night. It was the only way I could not have them. I tried other things before that though. I used to sleep on my floor at the end of my bed with the night light above my head cause I thought it was too far from me when I slept on the bed. I also tried sleeping in my sister's room. I slept in my parents bed until an embarrassing age that I will not mention.

Sometimes I still sleep with the light on. Not a well known fact right there.

It's not only the dreams that keep me from sleeping though. When I try to fall asleep I'll just constantly think about anything and everything. Especially when I'm going through something. I will toss, turn and think for hours.

I don't know what to do. I've considered sleeping pills many times.

New ink

2010-02-11T19:36:00.003-05:00

I got my diamond fixed and added a peace sign on my other wrist :)
I looooove them.

Might be getting another one next week!

2010-02-09T20:48:00.003-05:00

I lost you once, I think I can do it again....

2010-02-01T23:18:00.000-05:00

"I hate it when you can't help the fact that they make you happy.

because when it's the only thing that does anymore, then they go away, you don't remember what made you happy before them."

Exactly how I feel too Angel...

All along, we've been a mess.

2010-01-28T13:13:00.006-05:00

I'm obviously not the best thing you've ever had if you were just willing to let me go.

Probably found someone better...

No one could ever wait for you, I'll wait for you.

2010-01-27T16:40:00.016-05:00

I miss writing in this blog, But I feel anything I need to say isn't too exciting.

So I finally got a job at Dairy Queen in December and I've almost saved up enough to move out on my own. I will be moving to Toronto. I think it will be good for me since I was dumped again. I need to do this for myself, just start fresh and not think about anything else but myself.

So there you go, I feel all I write about in this blog is being dumped by some boy.

Oh! and I started sketching again and I really want to get into painting (even though I suck).

I just wanted to end this blog by expressing how much I will never find someone who will fully appreciate the love I am willing to give. I don't think anyone is capable. I thought I did finally find someone who did because he expressed how sweet and caring I am and that he needed that. But you know I'm used to being lied to by now. I felt as if I was constantly on my tippy toes wondering if he really meant that. I think guys mistake me caring about them as my number one priority but that's being self centered. Just because I want to be closer to you doesn't mean I wouldn't do something for myself.

I'm sorry I care about you just as much as myself.

I'm sorry I don't ignore you and treat you like shit.

I'm sorry I take the time to appreciate how gorgeous you are.

I'm sorry I'm so affectionate.

I'm sorry I try to make you happy.

I'm sorry for wanting to spend time with you.

I don't know anymore....

We found a cozy nest, we'll lay our paper heads.

2009-10-14T17:18:00.009-04:00

I'm the luckiest girl ever.

I never write in this blog anymore...Probably because no one reads it anyways haha. I've basically just been seeing a boy and taking the train a lot to go see him and been trying to find a job so I can move out, it's STILL really hard to get one around here.

Nuit Blanche a couple weekends ago was amazing, Phil and I drank a whole bottle of wine and were feeling it for sure haha. After we looked at all we could look at we went to his friends hotel party where I pretty much just passed out on one of the beds because I was so tired, his friend is hilarious though and I'm looking forward to that free dinner ;).

Oh and I went to a cabin with Phil and his two friends for a few days, They are so funny and can't wait for us to all chill again.

I don't blink when I look at you, 'Cause I can't let you go.

2009-09-08T21:52:00.006-04:00

Have I stopped writing in this thing because someone amazing has walked back into my life? I'll have to go with yes.

Wind

2009-08-27T01:22:00.008-04:00

"Oh it's a shame that you can not stay by my side" is the lyric that I can't get out of my head because I want nothing more than you beside me all the time.

I hope he feels the same way....

City Slicker

2009-07-22T17:59:00.008-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about moving out. I need to get out of this town. I want to move to Toronto where no one knows me. Well...technically some people know me who live in Toronto. Some people think it's weird that I would want to move there because I'm such a nature type of person. But it mostly has to do with the job side of things, there's no jobs here, nothing...

I'm also just sick of living with my family, yeah...that sounds horrible..but it doesn't have to do with them, I just feel ready to be out on my own.

I think I could get very used to city life. Concerts, lots of sushi places, tons more people I could probably relate with more. Blah, I shouldn't of wrote about this, it just makes me want it even more.

Anyways, I'll be seeing a ton of bands soon though, but I'll only name a few of my favourites. They include : Holy Fuck, Attack in Black, Ac/dc, Modest Mouse and Woodhands. Oh yeah, going to be a good summer indeed. Half of them I'll be seeing them at the Wolfe Island Festival, where I'll be camping and waking up to music haha. Amazing.

2009-07-19T13:47:00.004-04:00

I don't even know why I loaded this screen up. I have no idea what I'm going write. My posts keep sounding lonelier and lonelier. I mostly just really want a boy in my life, I miss cuddles and waking up next to someone. I've gotten to the point where I'm so lonely that seeing my friends doesn't seem appealing to me.

But in other news, I downloaded the new Black Eyed Peas CD and I've been listening to it constantly. It's so amazing, every song is good.

I'm standing outside your window, with my radio.

2009-07-13T03:13:00.005-04:00

I wish I had boy who would come to my house in the middle of the night and throws rocks at my window to wake me up so I could go outside and see him. Maybe we would look up at the stars.

*sigh* *day dreams*

Are you cutting me out now, after crawling inside?

2009-07-11T15:52:00.002-04:00

Circa Survive sings about my life. I swear.

=D

2009-07-09T01:48:00.004-04:00

I'm so close to being a suicidegirl! I just need to fill out some release forms and do a professional shoot. They do make it clear though that I have to show my boobs and my butt, and I have no problem with that hehe.

We're the 3 best friends that anyone could have.

2009-07-05T15:14:00.005-04:00

It's been awhile...

Probably because I'm not doing much at all. Boooooring. But I did do stuff lately. Last weekend I painted my room hot pink, and Jesse came over and helped me move all my stuff back into my room. I love my room so much now! Tuesday night, Wednesday and Thursday morning I was at my friend Anthony's apartment, we celebrated Canada day and such. Friday Trevor came over and we did some vegetarian cooking. Homemade Pizza and Tofu. It was delicious. After we finished eating Trevor told me he got a text from John asking him to go to Toronto with him to pick up his symbol at Steve's music. So we just spontaneously went with him that night.

It was an amazing night, We ended up randomly jamming on the street with this guy who had a Guitar, Bongo and Mic. It felt good to have my singing voice appreciated by people, and to just goof around with my friends. This guy didn't even care we were acting retarded. Trevor was on the mic and he yelled at this guy with a plaid shirt and he ended up joining us and he was really chill. So we jammed even longer and even more people joined us and one guy started rapping into the mic, he was so talented!

Then Stephan (The random guy) invited us over to his apartment and we made a bonfire in his backyard and sat around it talking and getting to know each other, his roommate joined us and among other people that Stephan didn't even really know haha, it was so fucking awesome. Except when this one guy was trying to get with me, then I just got annoyed. little while later we left to go back to John's truck and sleep for only an hour because by then it was 5:30 in the morning. Saturday we mostly just tried to find places that were open at like 8 in the morning, surprisingly none at all. So we walked around for awhile and finally found one. Trevor and John never have never been in the CN so we walked there (I thought my legs were going to fall off from so much walking) and John payed for all of us to get in. They were scared to stand on the glass floor, while I was just sitting on it talking to my sister on the phone. Trevor finally sat on it but John would only stand on it for 2 seconds and then run off it. The CN tower was pretty calming around the time we got there and when we left is when it got insanely busy. We walked back to John's truck and then walked to to Steve's music finally, but it felt like we were there for hours, I just wanted to go home by then. I guess the electric drums I was playing with for awhile were pretty entertaining. We started to head home around 1, and I was so relived.

Cellular Hangouts

2009-05-27T11:39:00.002-04:00

You know what I hate?

When you hang out someone and all they do is fucking text people on their cells. It makes me feel like I'm just boring you, and texting someone is way more exciting. Also it just makes you look like an asshole. I mean, I can understand if you just randomly get a text from someone, but don't constantly keep texting them back. I plans to hang out with you, not to watch you smile at text messages.

It also makes me think you're maybe talking about me, not in a good way either. I even see people constantly texting at parties, I thought you were here to have fun not to stare at your phone, go home you're wasting space. So, the next time I hang out with someone and all they do is just text, I'm just going to leave or kick them out of my house, seriously.

Death by Maternal Idiocy

2009-05-26T23:29:00.001-04:00

I was sitting in the grass on a beautiful day today outside my school. I happened to look up and see a girl I know whom I was sitting with give another girl a smoke, I didn't think much of it at first but when I glanced up again I saw that the girl was pregnant. I was disgusted. I said something out loud and the other girls I was with just said: "So?". Again I was disgusted. I said: "Well, she could at least quit for the baby". They all scowled at me saying things like: "It would go through withdrawals and die", "It would stress out the baby", "It's better to keep smoking", "The baby will be born addicted and then die a little bit after". They had to be the dumbest comments I have heard in awhile, besides comments here and there from a certain classmate.

I'm pretty sure any doctor would advise you to quit smoking while you are pregnant. Not say "Oh yeah, Keep smoking it's better!". If you are worried about it going through withdrawals, what about when the baby comes out? Are you just going to make it smoke or feed it nicotine? Didn't think so. If you quit early enough your child will not go through these "withdrawals". Also stress doesn't kill babies. If it did, there would be a lot less babies in the world. Stress doesn't deform babies. If it did, there wouldn't be any able bodied people in the world. If you are willing to bring a child into the world, quit for your baby because you're supposed to do anything for your child.

Blah blah blah

2009-05-06T23:39:00.004-04:00

I think I totally forgot how to be in a normal relationship where I can actually see my boyfriend.
Sometimes I act completely ridiculous and I don't even notice it until I think about it after. Today I was all sad because Spencer told me I wouldn't be able to see him for about a week or so...Then Spencer said something like "It's not like I'm going forever". It hit me, It's true...He's not. I'm still in the habit of Jesse and I's situation, where I see him once in awhile and I got all sad whenever I had to leave.

I also forgot that a normal relationship goes through that phase where you're not having sex as much and I took it all personal the other night when Spencer and I went to bed and we just slept...

I got over that though, cause I know it happens.

Anyways, I'm sure no one cares about my whining, I guess I was just writing this down for me to make it official that I'm going to change my attitude a bit.

Wedding/Awesome day

2009-04-20T00:13:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was my Cousin Becky's wedding, it was pretty decent, they had all of it at Zorba's which was awesome, did not have to sit in a chapel and the vows were really short.

The dinner was so good, even though It came with chicken no matter what, but Tara was willing to eat it for me. I ate 3 other people's salads and veggies, and the potatoes were so good. I ate well regardless. Tara and I went around and stole a bunch of drink tickets, I got 4 and she got 3. heh heh heh, so sneaky. Spencer showed up around 9:30 and stayed to around 11:00 but I left with him. *wink wink* I was pretty hammed by then. We got back to his house and had a bit of a party of our own.

Today Spencer and I woke up ate some Kraft Dinner. After we went for a really long walk around Amerstview, went on swings, attempted to climb a tree Mogley style. We walked along the water for a long time. It was so relaxing and fun, skipping rocks (which I failed at...). Then we walked to Jumbo video and rented a few movies (Role models, Twilight and Slum dog Millionaire). We then walked to LCBO and got some rum, Walked across the parking lot to foodland to get some ice and daiquiri mix, you can only guess what we made and they were so delicious. Later we made Nachos to go with our daiquiri's and I watched Gladiator while I ate them and Spencer played W.O.W. Then I went home..booo.

Anyways, signing out now.

I don't even know what to put here...

2009-04-14T18:41:00.003-04:00

So today, I actually went to school, had a really good day blah blah blah...

But then I come home today to hear that our house almost burned down because of a fucking cigarette, which makes me glad that I quit smoking.

Story is, my sister was sleeping and all she hears is "Bob!" over and over again. So she wakes up thinking that our grandparents are just fighting again, but then she hears the fire alarm and she thinks oh shit. So she runs down stairs, opens the door and was immediately blinded by and started choking on tons of smoke. She looks out the sliding door and our house is gulped in flames. My grandma left a lit cigarette outside, it set some papers on fire and it just went from there.

My grandpa put out the fire just in time, the firemen said if we did not have a porch or put the flames out in time, we would not have a house.

I mean, we would not have anything. It's so scary to think about that...

So, now there's over $1000 worth of damage...awesome.

This is not even the first time she has almost burned our house down, the first time was a stove fire.

I seriously don't feel safe here anymore.

This avalanche of love and skin.

2009-04-07T23:45:00.001-04:00

Falling in love is one of the scariest and hardest things that someone can do, but it's also the most amazing thing that can happen to you.

Terrible

2009-04-06T18:26:00.002-04:00

You're coming back home soon
Is it bad that I would want to see you?

Stupidity

2009-03-24T07:18:00.003-04:00

I can't get to school now...Fuck.

Titles can go suck it sometimes.

2009-03-22T14:03:00.003-04:00

February 3rd?...shit.

Ok time for some updating. I'll try my hardest to make this not boring, because I don't really have anything going on right now.

It's really fucking hard to get a job in this town, seriously...or to even hold one. Every job I get they say I'm doing something wrong, how come I don't see it? Am I stupid?

It's so frustrating...I want to work..I really do.

Anyways, for the less frustrating part in my life. I'm with someone *smile*
His name is Spencer, he is amazing. We're so alike, our birthdays are only a day apart and we're both Scorpios. He is really affectionate like me, so we never get sick of it. Oh and i've known him for about 6 years :)

I just get sad when I barely get to see him because he has 2 jobs..but it's just teaching me to be more independent, I can't just always be thinking about him.

Umm, sad news...someone I used to go to school with and hang out with died last Saturday..I went to his funeral. Seeing his family made me cry so much. He was such a good guy..and he was really funny, I was always laughing when he was around. Rest well Will Foley. I saw people there that I went to school with that I haven't seen in 2-3 years or so. Crazy.

I have a new co-op placement, it's pretty chill. I get free tanning which is rad. Don trimmed my hair for free yesterday, my hair is not as long now..I miss it...:(, But I know it will actually grow now, it just sort of stopped haha.

I wrote more than I thought I would. enjoy?

Lydia - All I see

2009-02-03T16:28:00.001-05:00

All I see scares me
No one waits...

You will never waste my time, no, no
You will never waste my time, 'cause...

Well, she locks all the doors and turns, says,
"We will always be safe here in this bed
All I see scares me, and no one waits forever."

So come closer, baby
I want to see what you're made of, see what you're made of
'Cause this isn't all we could be
You're not the same, and I'm, I'm not the same and...

No one could ever wait for you
And no one, yeah, no one could ever wait for you
I'll wait for you, love

But you are the never ending sleep
That I love to treat with this medicine
I get from my, my closer friend
But all I see...

So come closer, baby
I want to see what you're made of, see what you're made of
'Cause this isn't all we could be
You're not the same, and I'm, I'm not the same and...

(This song makes me cry...)

Je Ne Peux pas Croire Comment Fucking Francais Je Suis.

2009-02-03T15:54:00.011-05:00

Meeee :3

Andrew and Mariah <3

I don't know what to name him...

I like to draw :3

Amazing...

2009-01-31T00:09:00.001-05:00

Do I really need to explain this? <3

Say hello to my little friend

2009-01-25T19:07:00.004-05:00

I'm a mobster motherfucker!!
Yeah Friday's party theme was Gangster/Mob theme, it was a pretty deece party. Themes are definitely the way to go.

So scream! Squeal!

2009-01-22T12:43:00.004-05:00

I was starting to slack off with this blog again.

So news....Hmm. Well, I'm all done with exams and now I don't have to go to school until the second.

I have been kinda seeing this boy that I've known and been friends with for about 5 years. We have a lot in common and it's a lot of fun when we're together. But there's a friend of ours who has a huge problem with it and being all immature about it. Oh well, he needs to get over it, Because we're pretty happy.

Last night, Spencer, Mike and I went to the screening room. It plays movies that you wouldn't see in theaters like Ciniplex. We saw Låt den rätte komma in (Let the right one in...). It's a swedish vampire movie, it was excellent and very well done. Not like the piece of shit vampire movies that people have been putting out lately. The theater made it even better, the room was small and chill, the audio was a bit crackly and the projector was all old. It just had this grindhouse feel, very intense.

I looking forward to Friday, Gangster theme party! not ghetto fabulous gangster, scarface kind of gangster. I'm going to look pretty badass.

'Cause it's no better for me, I still cannot breathe.

2009-01-15T23:06:00.003-05:00

When I said leave me alone, I fucking meant it.
Stop playing with my mind, you caused enough pain.
leave me alone.
leave me alone.

Leave me.....lonely.

And when I put my arms around him, I felt the blushing blood run through my cheeks.

2009-01-14T21:12:00.006-05:00

Woo!! Today was the last day of practical exams! So this means I'm stress free right? Wrong! I have 2 assignments due tomorrow. Do I have them done? I wish...but they are not that hard. Plus one is really fun, it's creative.

Pretty sure I'm addicted to false lashes, I had to talk myself out of buying another pair, I spend too much money on junk I don't entirely need.

Hmm, so hopefully Ken shows up tomorrow to get his dreds coloured. I mean, it's not my loss but it would be nice to hang out with him for a day.

Anyways, I didn't do anything really exciting tonight, I'm stuck in my house doing homework.

Out.

I spend too much money....

2009-01-13T23:59:00.004-05:00

Today did not start out that great, I woke up really late and made my dad late for work. He was pretty pissed about that. I did not do really good on my hair cut exam *sad face* actually..I failed....booo. I did really good on the other ones though, which was blow dry style and curling iron skills. I had a good lunch break because this kid danced for us in the hall and it was hilarious...got it all on camera.

God, it's so hard not putting "umm" in these blogs because that's usually how I talk. I like to sound intelligent on here though haha. So anyways, Spencer picked me up after school and we went to value village to look for stuff to make our costumes for his wenches and mead theme party. That was pretty decent. I found these pink fur boots (faux obviously) and I automactally fell in love. Now they are downstairs on the shoe mat, hehe.

Then we made our way to Audrey's (it's a costume store), I bought stockings and black spray stuff for my hair. I already have my dress, I can just wear the one I wore of halloween. Thank god I was a sexy pirate. I'm going to look so good.

And now I just found out my friend told her agent about me and how I want to be a model and such. She is so amazing, I owe her big time!

Well, that about wraps up my day.

Come on sucker lick my battery

2009-01-12T23:17:00.005-05:00

Today I'm doing a lot better. I had 3 practical exams today, a perm, a roller set and a colour re-touch application. I pretty much aced them all! So I'm pretty proud of myself. Then I went to shoppers and bought a bunch of new make-up to celebrate! haha...(I'm lame...).

I went out for dinner with a friend I haven't seen in awhile and my sister. That made me pretty happy today. After we went to Wal-mart and we ran into Trevor and he hugged me and spun me around haha. I was happy to see him (=. I bought some movies when I was there, Final fantasy VII, 28 weeks later, Across the universe and 30 days of night. They were pretty cheap.

Hmmm, my blog probably isn't that good today...but that's the update.

The way you look at me

2009-01-11T12:36:00.007-05:00

"You are a loving individual, that is who you are and you're a wonderful person because of it. You're willing to go out on a limb for your significant other and that is an admirable quality. It defines you". - My friend Gibbs

I bought my friend Ken a birthday cake last night, and I loved seeing how grateful he was. I love spoiling my friends. I just like making people happy and make them feel good about themselves. It's what I do.

But..as good as I sound right now. I'm not. I hate selfish guys taking advantage of my vulnerability. It's flattering that you like me and all, But you know what I have just been through.

Oh, and to leave this on a good note. Counting crows is amazing <3

and you seem so bruised and it's beautiful.

2009-01-09T21:36:00.006-05:00

So I haven't updated this thing since September
Mostly because of school, work and putting a lot of effort into relationship that ended over Christmas break.

Well, I went up Halifax a second time, I see I wrote all about the first time on here.
both trips were amazing. Halifax kinda sucks, but I didn't go there for Halifax.

So really recently, I haven't been doing that good. I think I can consider myself depressed.
Yeah, that's the right word. I mean, what else would it be?
I constantly think about him, Can't sleep because of it, I cry everyday and I have no ambition to do anything.

And it's not only because of him. I feel like I have no friends. Well..I have friends..but none of them are that close. I feel completely alone. I need someone who completely understands what I am talking about and responds back. Instead of just nodding, agreeing, saying there's many fish in the sea or calling him a "douche bag".

Wow, listen to me...fuck...complain complain complain..this is not me at all.

I have been trying to surround myself with people, but I feel it's artificial temporary happiness. Because when I go to bed, the thinking kicks back in.

Ugh..this blog is everywhere...I need to stop.

Halifax!!

2008-09-17T18:26:00.001-04:00

So, I'm finally going up to see Jesse!! I'm leaving next Wednesday and coming back on Monday! I'm super excited!!

I'm kinda nervous too though, because I've never been on a plane before and I'll be all confused on what to do and shit...boo...

But UGH! I can't wait until the second I see him, I'm going to jump in his arms and squeeze the life out of him!!

Shamwow

2008-09-12T13:18:00.000-04:00

Just a random thought I guess
I seriously want a Shamwow towel...those things are crazy!
Check that shit out...

Shamwow!

I need you so much closer...

2008-09-11T21:19:00.000-04:00

Today was pretty sweet because I slept in. But not so sweet because Mariah might be mad for not picking up that weed I requested for today...hmmmm...hopefully not.

But in other news, I handed in a resume to Dairy Queen because I'm pretty sure I will get the job. Dieter works there and my mom knows the manager. I want cash money really bad to see Jesse.

I want to kiss him so bad...

oh! and I watched Pulp Fiction for the first time today, and I automatically fell in love with it. I recommend it to everyone who is a fan of Quentin Tarantino's stuff, even though I think I was the only person on the planet who hasn't seen it before haha.

Just a thought to end this, I wish everyone would leave Jesse and I alone about this long distance relationship. Our feelings for each other are real and strong and I hate when you guys are putting all this negative shit on me and bumming me out. I want him and only him. I don't care if it consists mostly of phone and msn conversations and the occasional visits up to Halifax, I'm going to make it work...I want a future with him.

QE? bleh...

2008-09-04T14:49:00.000-04:00

I have started my second year of hairstyling at QE and I'm hating it a lot. Not only because I completely lack ambition for it, but because the school sucks balls...I seriously just miss regular school at NDSS. Or at least taking a Photography program that gives me the same amount of credits haha.

Anyways...I think I broke my ipod. It's stuck on the song screen and I can't push any buttons or turn it off. So this sucks! I have no music for da bus.

I want to make this blog longer, but I don't really have anything else to talk about...

Insomnia

2008-09-02T01:04:00.000-04:00

So school starts in about 8 hours...so why the hell am I up? I can't stop thinking, I know everyone constantly thinks...but it's getting in the way of me sleeping. I hate when I'm this paranoid. When I was laying in bed all I could constantly think about is:
Does he miss me?
Am I going to hate my second year of hairstyling?
Will I make friends?
I hope he knows how much I miss him...
I want to hold and kiss him so bad right now.
I miss the way he looks at me.

I guess once I look at my thoughts they are mostly about him, I really can't help it...I'm used to being with him pretty much everyday.

I guess this weekend I'm finally going to hand out resumes, I'm thinking Rexall, Mega tan or some other place that doesn't require flipping burgers...it's going to be so weird working and being in school again. I had an amazing summer, the best yet.

Anyways, I guess I should sign this off...didn't do much writing this down, it's still kind of all over the place.

Summer just got interesting.

2008-07-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

I wish I could kill off thinking, that's all I find myself doing lately. Should I do this? Should I do that? Why am I not saying what I feel? It's because I am too caught up in thinking about it...

It's not like I am a talkative person in the first place but I wish I could say a lot of things without thinking if it's going to sound stupid or pointless.

You really intimidate me sometimes...

I was inspired...

2008-07-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

I don't know if people will find what I have to say is interesting but I like to write. I already have a journal in my room, I just want people to see what have to say sometimes...
I was sitting here drinking my coffee and reading his blog and it inspired me to create one.

You will be hearing from me later, for now I must get ready for yet another uneventful day...